Welcome to Wembley

As the new Wembley Stadium goes on show for a worldwide television audience at Saturday’s F.A. Cup Final, details of a late addition to the star-studded opening ceremony have been announced.

Where: On the pitch, near the centre circle.

When: Just before kick-off.

Who: All the wives and girlfriends of the England World Cup Squad 2006

What: Six of the best with a traditional rattan school cane will be administered by the England team physio to the bare bottom of each WAG.

Why: Steve McClaren, the new England manager, feels that the WAGs’ conspicuous high spending in designer stores and raucous partying in the bars of Baden-Baden, had a harmful effect on the teams’ performance in the World Cup.

T.V. Coverage: Live, complete with slow motion replays, commentary, and after-punishment interviews and analysis. Those punished would include:

Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Cole(below left), Ellen Rives (below right), Coleen Mcloughlin, Abigail Clancy(below centre) Carly Zucker, Alex Curran.

Cheryl Cole2-1

Abigail Clancy1-1Carly Zucker3-1

Click on the face to see the bottom.

Melanie Slade2-small-small

Melanie Slade (above right), the 18 year old girlfriend of Theo Walcott the team’s youngest player, would be exempt from punishment, but would still be led out onto the pitch and have to watch from close quarters as a warning about her future conduct.

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