What Top Celebrities Really Think About Their Bottoms – No. 7

Kimberly Stewart

The socialite daughter of singer Rod Stewart, is jealous of Jessica Alba’s pert behind. Kimberly hopes that Jessica, (who featured in What Top Celebrities Really Think About their Bottoms No. 3), will be able to give her some rear-shaping tips.

ks 01 In an interview in Daily Mail’s People magazine, Kimberly said: “I want my ass to look like Jessica Alba’s. She has the best body. I’ve met her before and she is really sweet, too. Next time I meet her, I’ll ask her for tips.”

Despite her insecurities about her behind, the 27-year-old blonde model claims most men like it.

Kimberly explained: “Maybe they like it because it’s a bit bigger than my bone structure. It gives them something to grab hold of.”

Something to grab hold of, and something to spank too, as this piece by Joe Mott in today’s Daily Star points out (click to enlarge):

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A loving open-handed strike indeed!

Kimberly may admire Jessica Alba’s cute rear but she won’t be taking any tips from Jennifer Lopez because it seems her infamous asset has also fallen foul of the dreaded cellulite.

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She was the standard bearer for women with an ample derriere, but parading beachside in Puerto Rico last week wearing a skimpy animal print bikini, her bottom looked slightly less than its usual peachy self.

It seems that not even ‘La Guitarra’ as she was nicknamed because of her curvaceous figure, has managed to outwit the stubborn fat that resembles orange peel from gathering on her famous rear.

But there is a trendy new answer to these two star’s problems – butt facials!

These beauty treatments focus on cleansing and detoxifying the skin just like a regular facial. Microdermabrasion therapy is used to help rid the buttocks of cellulite deposits, acne and other skin problems.

Carol Midgley has written such a butt-tastically funny piece on this latest craze in personal grooming in today’s Sunday Times that I thought I’d treat you to some highlights from it:

I really thought that I had stopped being surprised by the stupid things on which people are prepared to spend their money. But I knew nothing. Nothing at all. And now it is me who feels stupid. Because there is, it seems, an entire wedge of society that is gaily spending thousands on treating its buttocks. I don’t mean, you know, buying them flowers and a ticket to the theatre. I mean “treating” them – as in exfoliating, extracting, slapping on a clay mask and scrutinising them for open pores, acne and wrinkles. Come, come, don’t be cynical. One never knows who is going to be shinning up one’s skirt with a telescope, so you owe it to your femininity to be in tip-top condition.

They call them “butt facials” in America (be grateful: they could have plumped for “fanny”) and they are now on offer here from £40 for 30 minutes. Now, as one who has never fully grasped the point of the facial facial – is a greasy red rash good, then? – I am confused. So let me turn to Grazia magazine for enlightenment. “The bottom is the most neglected area of the body,” Shelly, a bum facialist from Tunbridge Wells, tells readers. “You sit on it all day and encase it in chafing knickers. No wonder the skin tone in that area suffers.”

So true. And yet – though I feel it’s almost heresy to say it – who gives a stuff? Unless you are the type of person who habitually drops their pants and moons in public (in which case you are Paul Gascoigne), then there’s only really your partner who sees the bloody thing. And if a man will dump you over a stray arse pimple, then I suggest you leave him. Now. Because he’s a nightmare. And yes, yes, I know it’s the beach season and all, but if you’re over 30, face it – it’s sagging anyway and a quick pummel isn’t going to reverse the law of gravity. Plus there’s fake tan. It really can mask a multitude of horrors.

On the other hand we could always say, “Sod that for a game of soldiers”, and flop down on our pocked and mottled backsides to eat another Mars Bar.

And if Kimberly and J-Lo, are similarly sceptical about the butt facial, perhaps they might like to consider that Joe Mott has unwittingly suggested the solution to their ‘pocked and mottled backsides’ anyway. When was the last time you ever saw a spanking model with cellulite or a sagging behind?

For a good example of what I’m talking about check out the full but firm, spotless, peachy, and cellulite-free skin tone of Addie Juniper in this picture from Exclusive Education 2. Surely a good brisk bare bottom spanking from a highly-respected top such as Lana is as good as any microdermabrasion therapy!

If Addie Juniper is a new name to you, and you agree that she has a great behind, then you might also like to read the excellent interview on The Spanking Spot that goes with the picture. I would recommend that Kimberly and Jennifer do the same – and then contact Clare Fonda about a part in Exclusive Education 3.

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