Not So Naughty Newsreaders

Why do female newsreaders always seem so deserving of a spanking?

They tend to be very prim-and-proper for a start, and sometimes this attitude can seem to cross over into smug and superior. Plus, of course they’re usually impossibly pretty – and don’t they know it?

Like the headgirl at school, sometimes the person you would most like to see spanked is the least likely to actually get one.

When Mary Nightingale got upturned by Michael Barrymore at an Mary Nightingale awards ceremony, the subsequent press photos were far more revealing than either imagined.

Her newsreaderly aloofness was well and truly punctured. How we chuckled at the sight of her smiling face, blissfully unaware that her dress was see-through when stretched so tightly and exposed to the glare of the flashlights.

There was much spluttering of tea all over the breakfast table in suburbia when the Daily Mail ran this picture, not least because she appeared to be wearing no underwear. A newsreader with no knickers! What an outrage! And how unexpected! I don’t think Middle England has recovered from the shock yet.

And the publicity-hating newsreader was mortified when she heard about the pictures. She tried to take out an injunction to stop their publication. Unfortunately for her, the judge denied the motion, ruling that publication was in the public interest, and so Mary and her size 8 derriere became items of mass titillation. She was quoted as saying:

“It’s very odd to think that my bum is in the public interest”

Odd? I don’t think so – rarely can a high court judge have had a more straightforward decision to make. Who isn’t interested in Mary Nightingale’s bum?

In an interview with the Daily Telegraph , she revealed the full story behind the classic picture:

“It began at the London Restaurant Awards ceremony in April last year. I was wearing a dress that was down to here and up to here and down to there,” she says, pointing to her wrists, neck and ankles, “and it was really very modest, because I don’t do a lot of flesh. So the photographers were, as usual, bored with my performance. They were thinking, ‘Next’. And I was thinking, ‘Phew! Got away with it.’ ”

Until, that is, the next celebrity presenter wandered into the backstage area: Michael Barrymore. “He had been misbehaving on stage in that way that he does. So as he came in to have his photo taken I looked at him and went, ‘Tut-tut-tut, you’re a bad man, Michael Barrymore.’

And it was just a completely stupid thing to do. You could almost see a light bulb coming on above Michael’s head: ‘No, no. That’s not all, boys.’

“He just reached over and pulled me out and mucked around. He gave me a fireman’s lift. He shoved me onto the floor and got on top of me. He got me in a full snog for the benefit of the cameras. All the photographers were going wild, and I was thinking, ‘Shit.’ But then I thought, ‘It’s OK. I’ve got a long dress. My skirt is still in place. Just keep your knees together and smile.’ ”

Which is a good motto for life in general, I suggest. “You know what?” replies Mary. “It’s served me reasonably well. Anyway, it was a really bizarre experience. But it didn’t seem like a disaster. I hadn’t realised that the flashbulbs had made my dress go transparent.”

She left the next morning for a holiday, unaware that the tabloids intended to print photographs of her in a see-through dress and – so it seemed – no underwear. The injunction failed and the pictures ran. She was even quoted twittering: “I wish I’d remembered my knickers.”

“I never said that, and in any case it wasn’t true. I was wearing knickers,” she insists, suddenly in serious newscaster mode.

Further proof that it’s certainly not just pervy spankos that like to see newsreaders taken down a peg or two came this summer – thanks in fact to the dreadful summer weather.

When Sue Turton got her backside pinched live on air whilst reporting on the Oxford  floods for Channel 4 News this summer, the video became one of YouTube’s most popular.

The incident caused some debate over how it should be regarded. The police wanted to press charges. Locals defended the man as simply trying to bring a bit of humour to a difficult situation.

Sue Turton herself seemed ambivalent. On the one hand she said she felt humiliated, but she refused to make a complaint to the police.

Perhaps she sensed that this could be good for her career. Over a million people have so far watched her get a sore bottom on the internet. Expect her to get her own daytime chat show any time soon.

So we’ve seen a newsreader turned upside down with her bare arse to the sky, and we’ve watched another get her bottom pinched red raw. When are we going to see one bent over and soundly spanked?

And when we do, please let it be Katie Derham.

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