Mr Woodcock & Shoot ‘Em Up

There are two movies out at the moment that make reference to spanking in rather quirky and unusual ways. I’ve not actually seen either of them – I’m just going on what I’ve gleaned from the internet. Please feel free to correct me if necessary or supply any further details.

Did your school P.E. teacher look like this?

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In Mr Woodcock, Billy Bob Thornton plays the stereotype of a bully gym-teacher that many will recognise, and according to this movie, is still alive and kicking. Kicking their pupils mostly in fact.

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Woodcock uses his position in authority to pick on the weak and helpless in his gym classes, including the overweight, the stuttering and those who are simply no good at physical education. He slams them with basketballs, he runs them around the gym for looking funny, he finds their weaknesses and mocks them. “It’ll make men out of them,” he explains.

Enter John Farley (Seann William Scott), a successful author, who is returning to accept honors from his Nebraska hometown. Farley is a former pupil and victim of the infamous bully who ridiculed and shamed him as an out-of-shape student. Woodcock once made him strip down in front of the class, then said:

“You gonna be a loser? Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer.”

To his horror he discovers his mom, Beverly, played by Susan Sarandon is now dating his former gym teacher, which sounds like a good one for the Jerry Springer show to me:

“Help! My former sadistic teacher is now dating my mother.”

It gets even more interesting when Farley challenges Woodcock to a test of strength at a carnival. Woodcock tells him:

“You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.”

This reference to the type of sexual relationship that Farley has with Beverly takes things a whole lot further:

“Help! My former sadistic teacher is now SPANKING my mother!”

As I say, I’ve not seen the film so I don’t know how much of the Sarandon/Thornton relationship is made explicit. But my guess is not much! (Does he maybe tap her on the bottom suggestively at any point?)

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Which is a shame, because Susan Sarandon (right above) would have made a great mature addition to the pantheon of cinema spankees.

In the end, probably the most significant thing about Mr Woodcock is that the spanking quote is being used in the trailer for the film (which I have seen). There’s nothing like the word ‘spanked’ to help catch people’s attention is there?

Shoot ‘Em Up

In Shoot ‘Em Up there is some actual action shown. It stars Clive Owen as Mr Smith, a hard man who protects a pregnant woman from assassins.

In one scene, he creates a diversion using the pretext of a mother who is yelling at her child and smacking him. Mr Smith tells her that he disapproves of the corporal punishment of children before he spanks her about 5 times, supposedly to show her what it feels like.

Again a pretty original and creative set-up. Though I can’t say how ‘good’ a scene it actually is, I’m looking forward to checking it out.

One thing I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere is the identity of the actress who gets spanked. Monica Bellucci is the female lead, but unfortunately it’s not her. Presumably she is just an unnamed character who makes no further appearance in the film.

In which case, it will be necessary to scan the credits for that essential “Woman who gets spanked” listing!


I mentioned last week that Californication is going to be shown on Channel 5 in the UK this autumn. I can now confirm that the series begins on October 11th.

If you can’t wait that long for a TV spanking scene, there’s always The Guns of Fort Petticoat in which Audie Murphy gives Bing Crosby’s future wife Kathryn Grant a good bottom warming. (Channel 4 Wednesday, 19th September, 2.00pm).


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