You’ve got to admit that Nell Gwynne would have been top of any 17th Century spanking hot-list that Samuel Pepys might have secretly compiled at the back of his diary.
The thought of King Charles ll taking his mistress across the royal knee, raising her voluminous skirts, and giving the brazen orange-selling floozy’s bare bottom a good seeing-to has to be one of the great scenarios from history.
So why, oh why, has nobody ever filmed this happening?
But writing my previous post reminded me of the closest I’ve ever come to seeing this fantasy realised.
In addition to Sally Hawkins, the serial Twenty Thousand Streets Under The Sky also starred an actress called Zoe Tapper. Not a big name perhaps, but an attractive blonde whose charms can be appreciated from this picture.
She once played Nell Gwynne in a film called Stage Beauty (2004). The plot revolves around various theatrical characters. Nell is an aspiring actress as well as being the royal mistress, and she uses her feminine wiles to get the King to ban men from playing women’s roles, thereby furthering her own career.
Plenty of scope there, I would have thought, for Nell to be found out in her conniving ways and punished. Or at least for a bit of hanky-spanky in the royal bed chamber.
But there was a scene in which Charles presents his actress lover to court in a manner which doesn’t leave much doubt that she is a woman.
King Charles’ Span-k-iel
Filmed naked from behind, we get a great view of Zoe Tapper’s bottom, as the King’s hand hovers finger-wigglingly close to the target area.
Just a year later, she was cast as a prostitute in the aforementioned BBC serial. And would you believe it? She only went and did it again.
In a beautifully lit and erotically charged scene, she undresses before taking a bath. As she lifts her silk chemise, there is a lingering shot of her bare behind.
Unlike her co-star Sally Hawkins, however, this actress has never been spanked on screen.
And neither has Nell Gwynne.