A bemused email arrived yesterday from a (presumably Olympics-bound) reader:
“THIS IS WEIRD: I’m in Beijing (landed this morning) and I can’t open your or Chross’s blog. Everything else seems to be working fine – you might be censored here….”
This was soon followed by another:
“It’s now official! I can open anything on the web except for you and Chross…”
Perhaps therefore it’s just as well for the Chinese authorities that spanking has not yet become an Olympic sport as envisaged by a spoof set of rules for the 28th Spanking Olympiad written by Haley Brimley.
There are six Spanking Olympic sports: Sprint, Struggle, Marathon, Implement, Figure and Relay. I think the Struggle would be my personal highlight of the games – lots of squirming as well as spanking. The “Wild Struggle” – a cross between wrestling and spanking sounds good too. I’ve included a short extract here, but you should download the whole thing if you want a good laugh (link below). Spanking satire at it’s finest.
This sport requires the spankee to not submit voluntarily to the spanking, but rather try and escape from it. Spankers win if they manage to deliver at least fifteen smacks within the predetermined time limit. Spankees win if the spankers do not manage. This makes it automatically a game for singles competing one-on-one, and not for couples.
There is no discrimination based on sex: athletes can meet opponents of their own sex or of the other. However, three basic distinctions are made: Age, Weight and Role. Age: “M” and “F” athletes compete in the Senior category. “m” and “f” athletes compete in the Junior category. No exceptions allowed under any circumstances.
Weight: every athlete can only compete in his or her weight category. Weight categories go as listed above.
The Age rule still applies.
Role: the distinction made is basic. Every athlete is either a Spanker or a Spankee. Again, being “M”, “F”, “m” or “f” is irrelevant: there can be M/F or m/f or F/F pairings, and so on, provided that the Age and Weight rules still apply.
Throughout the competitions and categories, the goal of the Struggle is always the same:the spanker must try and deliver fifteen smacks to the spankee within the given time limit, starting and ending with a Referee’s signal. For a spank to count as delivered, it must be applied with a force of at least 500g (approx. 1 oz.) for Seniors and of at least
350g (approx. 0,75 oz.) for Juniors. Such force is measured by an electrified support that the spanker must wear on his or her hand.
Struggle – In the main, weight-based competitions, spankees start the game over the spankers’ lap, and they must try and struggle free within the allowed minute – or at least to squirm in such fashion that the spanker’s attempt to deliver fifteen proper smacks fails. 32 athletes are admitted to each of these competitions. Paired in twos, 16 advance
to second round. Again paired, 8 advance to quarterfinals, the winners of which proceed to semi-finals. Finals for 1st place, and the 3rd place bout, are then held.
Wild Struggle – This competition is different. The given time is two minutes instead of one. Spanker and spankee start from opposite sides of the same room, and before trying to deliver the required fifteen smacks, the spanker must first take a hold of the spankee. Contrarily to other competitions, the position in which the spanks are delivered is irrele-
vant: standing, crouching, laying, sitting, in mid-air… there is no difference. The road to the finals is the same as in the regular Struggle.
The Struggle in general is the only Olympic sports where people playing in two different roles can prevail. In other words, the finals for the 1st place is held between a spanker and a spankee, only one of which will prevail. So far, in the previous 27 editions of the Spanking Olympics a spankee has obtained victory in fifteen occasions. Eighteen times
out of twenty-seven the podium has seen two spankers, meaning that the 3rd place bout is often won by an athlete of this role.
At the start of each round, athletes form two pools, one for spankers and one for spankees. From there, they are picked at random to form pairs. Should, at any time, the number of available spankers and spankees be odd and not even, those athletes who lost the
previous round with the lowest score differential will benefit from a repechage.
NOTABLE WORLD RECORDS
At the 24th Spanking Olympics of 1956, in Riyadh, the great local mistress Saifa Al Sadehr (SAU) won four out of five Struggle categories for Seniors; she had the best over 11 male spankees and 8 females; in the Wild Struggle finals she was defeated by Anyanka Privalova (URS).
The most successful struggling spankee was Stefan Olsson (SWE), who won the Wild Struggle in three consecutive Olympics, from 1924 through 1932 (in Helsinki, Malmö,Tokyo/Osaka). He also won five other miscellaneous competitions in the same years.
In Montevideo 1980, 14-year-old identical twins Costinha Pedro and Ana Lucilla da Rosa (BRA) met in the finals of the 66-80kg Struggle for Juniors, and also in the finals of the Wild Struggle for Juniors. Lucilla (spankee) won both times. She was nicknamed “The Squish” for her ability to escape everyone’s grab in less than two seconds. A hand-
ful for her parents, indeed!