I watched the 2009 BAFTA TV Awards this week. It was great to see all the beautiful actresses in their glamorous dresses on the sun-drenched red carpet. But, as the cream of the small screen world inched their way into London’s Royal Festival Hall, I couldn’t help dreaming of a slightly different take on the proceedings…
So, Ladies and Gentlemen…
Welcome to the 2009 TV “BOTTIE BAFTAS”!!
MOST PROMISING NEW BOTTIE BAFTA
Kaya Scodelario (Skins)
Smash hit teen drama Skins carried off the Audience Award which was the only one voted for by viewers. They chose a show which has loads of teenage girls parading around in their underwear! Well they would wouldn’t they? Here’s a good example of what I’m talking about from Katherine Prescott.
Katherine can perhaps count herself unlucky because in a very close contest, the Most Promising New Bottie Bafta goes to her Skins co star Kaja Scodelario, seen here on the red carpet before the ceremony. She plays tearaway Effy Stonem who is always sneaking out of the house against her parents wishes to go clubbing, having sex, and partying.
Let’s now take a look at her winning performance. Plenty of exciting potential here I think you will agree. Talking about scenes such as this she said: “Obviously it’s slightly embarrassing to be standing in a room full of fifty men in your underwear. But you just had to laugh at yourself.”
And here she is with another Skins actress Hannah Murray after the ceremony. I’m sure the lovely Hannah is destined to one day pick up a Bottie Bafta of her own.
BEST DRAMA BOTTIE BAFTA
Andrea Riseborough (The Devil’s Whore)
Rising star Andrea Riseborough was actually nominated for Best Actress, but didn’t win. You might not have heard of her yet. She will probably go to Hollywood soon and become much more famous after crossing the pond.
But she won her Best Drama Bottie Bafta by entering the pond!
(Do I detect a slight pinky tinge in those skin tones?)
RANDOM CELEB PICKED FROM RED CARPET BOTTIE BAFTA
Davina McCall (nothing in particular)
Big Brother presenter Davina McCall looked radiant on the red carpet and reminded me of an interview she gave recently which included the following extract:
What does your husband love about your body?
My bum. He likes it rounded though. When I fitted into my size 10 trousers again he hated it.
How does he show his appreciation?
He’s constantly smacking it, squeezing it, squidging it. Humping it. Well I mean…with clothes on. Groping’s good though.
Now her “constantly smacked” bum has won a Bottie Bafta…and all she had to do to earn it was turn up!
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT BOTTIE BAFTA
At the ceremony she presented a special Fellowship award to comedy duo French and Saunders, but the Lifetime Achievement Bottie Bafta had to go to Dame Helen herself of course.
She’s probably won more Baftas than anyone else already (apart from David Attenborough perhaps) so now she has a Bottie Bafta to add to her collection too.
Let’s take an emotional look back at one of her career highlights from 1984’s Cal :
AND FINALLY…MOST DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO WIN A BOTTIE BAFTA:
The former Spice Girl turned up for a previous Bafta ceremony in an assless dress and posed in front of a giant replica of the award.
That’s the end of the 2009 TV Bottie Baftas. What a magnificent year it’s been. Makes you feel so proud to be British (dabbing corner of eye with handkerchief).