The Wrong Way Back

Many thanks to Harry for sending me this account of a 1960s TV spanking:

A play called The Wrong Way Back, written by Robert Phillips and directed by Morris Barry, was shown by the BBC on July 13 1962. Sadly, it will never be seen again because the tape has been wiped… but thanks to the script, here’s what happened.

patricia haines 001

The scenario is that a young woman, Annie (played by Patricia Haines) is having an affair with an older man, Ted (played by Nigel Davenport). We start with an establishing shot of the living room:

Ted is poking the fire. He stands up as Annie comes in and, taking a tea from her, he warms his backside in front of the fire. The shot changes to a closer shot of Annie. She stands beside him. He gazes ahead thoughtfully. She glances up at him now and then. She looks down between his legs. The shot changes to a two-shot of her and Ted:

ANNIE: That fire is alight, innit?
TED: Hm…?
ANNIE: You’re always warming your backside.
TED: Well… if it gets cold…?
ANNIE: Well, move over.

She edges him sideways with her hip.

TED: Belt up! You’re spilling my tea. Look, I’ll warm yours if you’re not careful.

Annie looks him up and down. She smirks contemptuously.

ANNIE: Phooey. Do you reckon you could? (She slaps his belly.) You’re all fat and flabby.
TED (wagging a warning finger): Now look….

She grabs his finger and makes a soppy face at him.

TED (trying to pull his finger out): Now come out of it…

They put their teas on the mantlepiece and a sort of struggle ensues. He chases her around the settee.

TED: You’ll go across my knee. I’m telling you.
ANNIE (laughing): Oh… big man!

They struggle and fall onto the settee. The shot changes to another medium two-shot. Ted turns her a bit.

ANNIE: Okay. Game over.
TED: I’ll give you game over.
ANNIE: I’ve got to do the washing up.
TED: Oh, yes, and that’s another thing. All that washing up you left me last night.
ANNIE: Well, that’s your fault.
TED: Mine! Why?
ANNIE: You should’ve put your foot down, shouldn’t you?
TED: Whaddaya mean? Do you want me to beat you all the time?
ANNIE: Would that be such a bad thing?

She rises. He does too. He gazes at her and almost cocks his head.

ANNIE: Would it…?

She suddenly starts to struggle.

ANNIE (changing her mood): What I object to is you hogging the fire all the time.
TED Right. You’re asking for it.

They struggle and fight. Ted manages to get her twisted round over his knee. As she goes across his knee, the shot changes to a closeup of her face. Ted slaps her. She howls.

TED (satisfied with himself): There!

The shot changes to a two-shot as, still across his knee, she turns up to look at him. They are both panting a bit. She squirms round and they are both face to face. They kiss suddenly and fiercely. As they separate, Annie buries her face into his chest and Ted looks down at her.

TED (relaxing a bit): I can see I’ll have to take you in hand more often. It’s what you need.
ANNIE: It’s what all women need.

The shot changes to a closeup of Ted.

TED: Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

And the moment is broken with a knock at the door…

This wasn’t the last time Patricia Haines had her bottom smacked on screen, either. In the 1969 big screen thriller The Last Shot You Hear , the title sequence shows her frolicking in the park with her man… and at one point he bends her over and gives her a couple playful slaps.

Even more tangentially, there is also her guest appearance in The Avengers in 1967, when she played Lola the Russian spy. There is a scene where Lola is caught bending over, and gets a smart, open handed smack on her curvaceous rear … but this was the bodyswap episode, entitled Who’s Who…?, so the bottom which was smacked belonged not to Patricia Haines but none other than the eminently spankable Diana Rigg!

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3 thoughts on “The Wrong Way Back”

  1. Hi Valdor Nice,interesting post.

    Not a lot of people know this but Patricia Haines was Michael Caine’s first wife.


  2. Hi harry

    excellent addition to the ‘lost spankings’ series – sadly this one looks like it’s gone forever. How did you get hold of the script? what a shame that Patricia died so young.


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