Shiver me timbers! Splice the main brace and roll out the spanker! Yo ho ho and a nice bare bum!

Doctor Who Pirates

Yes, my hearties, Doctor Who is back and this week’s episode sees the Doctor and sassy side-kick Amy Pond take to the High Seas where they’ll be dealing with a bunch of pirates led by Hugh Bonneville as Captain Avery. After last week’s wild west cowboy stylings, this series is clearly on a mission to bring us stories with as much spanking potential as possible.

Swashbuckling pirate movies of the 1940s and 1950s always leaned towards a likely spanking for the heroine who, in my memory at least, often stowed away on board disguised as a boy. I found this intriguing because it meant that one of the most common excuses NOT to spank the leading lady – her femininity – was out of the way. It kind of levelled the playing field.

The anti-hero pirate captain is the perfect character for the job too. From Errol Flynn in Captain Blood to Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, you could hardly create characters more suited to the task of dealing with a wayward wench on board. In theory at least.

pirates 003

Yet, when I came to look in to it, there’s not much material on the internet. I found plenty of nautical spankings, but to qualify as a true pirate spanking we are looking for at least some of the following:

  1. eye patch
  2. tricorne hat
  3. treasure chest
  4. treasure map
  5. parrot
  6. galleon ship
  7. cutlass
  8. jolly roger flag
  9. plank walking
  10. artificial limbs
  11. bottles of rum
  12. soft rump spanked by horny hand

This is the only picture I could come up with that truly delivers. In fact it ticks at least 5 of my piratical boxes including using the flat side of no 7 as an impromptu backside whacker! It looks as though it comes from a pantomime or some stage comedy/musical.

pirates 001

I would be surprised if artists such as Paula Meadows, Brian Tarsis and others haven’t tackled this theme, but I couldn’t find any pirate spanking drawings at all in my collection.

The situation isn’t much better in the movies either in spite of the aforementioned high degree of opportunity. The only authentic pirate movie spanking scenes I could confirm both come from 1967’s The King’s Pirate.

Cashiered from the royal navy in disgrace, Doug McClure becomes a buccaneer, guiding his loyal crew to an island completely populated by cut-throats. Here he links up with a pirate captain and his lady-swashbuckler Jill St. John. The plot comes to a head when the pirates conspire to hold lovely Middle-Eastern princess Mary Ann Mobley for ransom.

I’ve never seen this movie and the clips don’t seem to be available but McClure gives the beautiful Bond girl Jill St John a swat on the behind AND threatens Mary Ann Mobley with a good spanking too.

the kings pirate

Doug McClure and Jill St John in The King’s Pirate

In fiction, things get a little more interesting. The hero of Donald Barr Chidsey’s 1953 novel Captain Adam, goes where contemporary Hollywood pirates feared to tread…right to the bottom of the matter!

According to the book jacket: “Real trouble started when Adam acquired a passenger – Lady Maisie Treadway of London, red-haired, beautiful, young and very feminine”.

captain adam

The result is the aristocratic Maisie gets a lesson in humility that she’ll never forget. The description is brief but does the job:

Adam laid it on resoundingly. Eight, nine, ten times he whammed those buttocks with a big flat horney right hand. The crowd went wild.

There’s a group of satisfied onlookers in this illustration too which is from a story called South Sea Adventure (not presumably the Willard Price children’s novel of the same name). The bearded spanker is quite possibly a modern style pirate or gangster of the seas. His crew certainly have an air of menace about them. It’s a great picture anyway whatever the story behind it.


Finally, in the video for Danish band Aqua’s 1990s hit My,Oh My, the gorgeous singer Lena is roped to a mast for a lashing. Her hit-me-harder facial expressions are nice and the lashes are definitely aimed at her bottom much to the delight of Captain Hook! And the video ticks EVERY pirate cliché in the book…and then some!

If you’re watching Doctor Who at the weekend, why not use my pirate check list for a drinking game? If you get number 12, crack open a bottle of champagne!

14 thoughts on “Pirates”

  1. In “The King’s Pirate,” I’m pretty sure someone gave former Miss America Mary Ann Mobley a one swatter in the over-the-shoulder position. I don’t think I saw the whole film, though I remember May Ann as a Middle Eastern princess captured by priates, and I can’t recall whether JSJ got one.

    She did, however, get a light pat in “Diamonds Are Forever” after trying unsuccessfully to conceal a handgun in her bikini bottoms.

  2. Hi JS,

    Yes I’ve just had another look at my info source for “The King’s Pirate” (Boston Bob’s list) and I’ve got it the wrong way round. Mary Ann Mobley gets a swat (I like the over the shoulder postition!) and Jill St John gets threatened.

    It would be nice to find these clips if anyone can help with this.

  3. This arrived via email but I thought it was better posted here:

    Anonymous writes:

    “I had my hopes up hight when Roman Polanski announced he would make a movie about pirates. I mean, he had featured spankings in two of his movies and could be up for anything in a pirate-movie.
    But sadly no.

    In the days when I was chasing second hand bookstores there was a plethora of spankings and whippings in romance novels about pirates.

    Same with the sheik-stories I read as serials in my mother’s magazines when I grew up. They concerned western women who were either captured by Arabs, falling in love with a sheik and – getting spanked.

    There’s one that’s always stayed with me:
    An English woman who gets sentenced to a caning in front of the other women. She is bent over and tied to a bench, her bottom is bared and a eunuch (always a eunuch!) administers the punishment. Afterwards some of the other women tend to the marks on her buttocks with some ointment.
    And of course she just loves the sheik.
    Impressive stuff for a twelwe-year-old boy.

  4. I certainly agree pirate tales should be prime territory for spanking scenes in films and books.

    Found a nice little story based on a scene in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Keira Knightley’s character should most definitely have gotten a spanking. Her and Jack Sparrow were marooned on an island and she burned up all the rum supplies to signal a ship. Surely it would be better to be stranded than waste the precious rum! Terrible shame this didn’t happen in the movie:


    1. Hi Luther, I just rescued your comment from the spam filter (sorry ’bout that) Thanks for the great pirate-spanking fan fiction link.

      “My rum is still burning, so your bum should still burn as well!”

      🙂 🙂

  5. If it’s a sheik spanking you want, check out “Sahara” from 1983. (There have, of course, been a number of films with that title.) Brooke Shields is competing in an auto race in Africa when she falls into the hands of some nomads. When she tries to escape and is caught, John Rhys-Davies takes a short whip to the seat of her britches. Not the best scene, but Brooke was a spanking icon back in the day. (She was also whupped off-screen in “Pretty Baby.”)

  6. I think Brook Shields got a threat in The Blue Lagoon too.
    Thanks for the “Sahara” tip. Sheikh spanking is definitely a post that’s waiting to be written…

  7. In the book ,”The girl from Boston” , there is a spanking given by a ship captain to a female passenger after she knocks the two of them into the water.

  8. Thanks Charlie, I looked this one up because I’d never heard of it before:

    A group of people return to the mainland, arguing viciously. Finally, McTare loses his temper with Stephanie and tells her that she is to be spanked when they land. On shore, he gives her “five resounding smacks that sounded wet and stinging on her bare flesh.”

    Sounds good, (no pirates involved though as far as I can tell)

  9. True – no pirates, but a captain, boat, and water – which she causes the captain to fall into [prior to the spanking].

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