This is not a photo shop, it’s for real. The back story is that Ellen von Unwerth did a shoot with Lindsay Lohan on the Greek island of Mykonos last summer. The pictures were pretty bland, standard fare (see them here if you’re interested) but, typically enough, Lindsay didn’t arrive at the shooting location on time. So von Unwerth posted this bts shot on social media with the caption “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING LATE!”
British actress Jill Halfpenny was interviewed in The Sun today and was asked a very interesting question:
You’ve stripped on tour for Calendar Girls but would you go as far as Keira Knightley and be spanked by Michael Fassbender for a movie?
The soap star, who Katy Perry has said she is often mistaken for when she comes to the UK, replied:
Forget the movie — and the money for that matter — I’ll just be spanked by Michael Fassbender!
She’s offered her services for free so perhaps this could be arranged as a charity stunt for TV. She’s already modelled as the Athena tennis girl (above) and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a much more revealing version of this Calendar Girls picture (although I can’t find it now) – so, unlike Keira Knightley, she’s certainly not bottom shy.
Not sure if I can explain why this clip of Lucy Pinder taking a MONKEY across her knee is hot, but I’m grateful to Chross for including it in his Spankings of the Week!
It’s not the first time that Lynx have used spanking in their ads – you probably remember this one from a few years back.
Lucy Pinder also happens to be the cover star of this week’s Nuts magazine and her kinky photoshoot has the large chested (but small bottomed) model wearing handcuffs and spanking herself with a paddle.
Hope she hit herself at least as hard as she hit that poor monkey!
See the rest of the Nuts pictures here.
The Brit Bot of the Week pretty much picks itself after Kelly Brook’s guest appearance in Skins as a fitness instructor in a tight body suit.
Kelly Brook is probably more famous for her bottom than anything else. She’s done bits and pieces of television presenting – usually with disastrous results (remember The Big Breakfast anyone?) and her most memorable contribution to the film Piranha was her red bikini – the lower half of which appeared on the poster.
She’s also recently starred in an excellent ass-vertising campaign for Reebok Easytone trainers.
Out of all the pictures of her butt that are knocking around the internet one of my faves would have to be this pin-up style shot from last September’s Playboy. Kelly certainly bucks the trend for stick thin celebrities but is all the fuss about her ample rear justified…or not? Vote now.
Update March 2013: And here’s a picture of Kelly actually being spanked! She posted it on her own instagram account.
And you can hear Kelly say the word “spanking” in this Brit Bot post which has also been updated.
Bridget Marquardt (34), is an American television personality, model, and actress, best known for her role on the reality series The Girls Next Door with Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson.
In 2002, she was invited to move into the Playboy mansion and become one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. She also appeared in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (2005) as herself, along with Holly Madison and Hefner.
Bridget marked
Most recently, Bridget appeared in Nickelback’s video Rockstar, at the point where the singer mentions Playboy Bunnies.
She has also been spotted auditioning for an alternative career, as a spanking model, with Hefner as her chief mentor.
Rating: should be bending further forward, but nice presentation of silky smooth rear-end, and a good facial expression: 8 out of 10
A Top Career Advisor writes: An impressive first effort. (loosening tie) Erm…now can we move the severity level up a notch Hugh.
I forgot to mention in my last post that Russell Brand is in the St Trinians film, playing the character of Flash Harry. And this weekend, I’ve been to see him in it!
It’s an enjoyable enough caper, with plenty of anarchic spirit, not so different from the originals really. And with a similar total absence of any c.p. references. Well, almost total.
There was a publicity poster for one of the old films in which headmistress Alistair Simm brandished a cane. And the new film had a similar moment which may appeal to some. The girl in this picture is Gemma Arterton who has since won a part in the next James Bond movie.
Bond author Ian Fleming had a fetish for spanking. and in almost every novel Bond tells a girl (usually one with a masculine and muscular derriere) that he wants to spank her. How long have we been waiting for one of the Bond movies to reflect this? Gemma would certainly make a great candidate for a place in history as “The First Bond Girl To Go OTK!”
And don’t forget that another St Trinians girl Tamsin Egerton is “certain” to find herself OTK before the year is out, when she appears in Jilly Cooper’s Octavia.
If you can’t wait that long, you can always amuse yourself with these pictures of some British celebrities in a supposedly “St Trinians-inspired” photo shoot for the Daily Mail’s You magazine. Here and here.
I say ‘supposedly’ because they don’t seem to me to have much of a St Trinians vibe at all. Darker, more twisted elements have crept in. The influence of sixties fetish photographers such as Helmut Newton is perhaps discernible.
Most weirdly of all, check out the seedy bare walls of the location, with no attempt to make a realistic school room setting. Do I detect an internet spanking website influence on these pics?
Again, there’s no overt c.p., unless you count the picture of Jade Goody sitting in a corner in a dunce’s cap. I never thought I would feature this loathsome woman on my blog, but this must rank as some of the best work she’s ever done!
There’s certainly an undercurrent of spanking fantasy behind all of the pictures, and this is exploited further by the interviews in which the girls are asked about their own school days,
…with an emphasis on the naughty things they used to get up to!
Again, Jade Goody’s makes for an amusing read:
Lowest point: I received a gold star from the headmistress for working hard. To get one you needed a letter from a teacher, and as I realised that was never going to happen, I forged it. Unfortunately I was caught and suspended for fraud.
Naughtiest moment: There was a rumour that one of our teachers had wooden toes so one lunchtime, when I was sitting next to her, I dropped a fork on the floor, crept under the table and prodded her toes with it. She didn’t flinch. In my excitement I leapt up, banged my head on the table and shouted, “It’s true! She’s got wooden toes!” I was suspended for three weeks.
Worst subject: Geography. I didn’t want to be a weather girl, so couldn’t see the point. My teacher kept telling me I was more likely to be a porn star than a geographer.
Her geography teacher has now been proved right – a spanking porn star!
The article also reveals that Jade attended the notorious Bacon’s College in South London which has been identified as one of the heaviest caning schools of all time. Girls were subject to the punishment as much as boys, but fortunately for Jade, it had been banned by the time she started there.
If she’d been born just a few years earlier, she would probably have become the most caned female in British educational history!
Other celebrities featured include soap actresses Helen Flanagan (sensational full picture), and Katherine Kelly (the most spankable swot you ever saw), socialite Lady Isabella Hervey (on the parallel bars!), and twins Sam and Amanda Merchant (no strangers to The Spank Statement).
But don’t overlook naughty Emma Rigby. She’s a Hollyoaks actress who is spankability on a stick! She’s the lower one of the two girls poking their heads round the door.
What a wasted opportunity that you don’t even get to see her in her full school uniform. She’s clearly up to no good in this picture.
I’d sentence her to a journey in the tardis – back in time to the 1970s, where she would have to spend a full term at Bacon’s College!
This picture of music star Rihanna, which appeared in GQ magazine, has to be one of the most half-hearted attempts at a spanking picture ever. The whole point of the OTK position is that it gets the butt facing SKYWARDS. You can’t go across the knee whilst still remaining seated! She looks more like she’s having a kip.
And what about the wooden pose of the guy? Or is it a waxwork dummy? The shot just doesn’t seem to work on any level – uninspiring, timid, lazy and above all dull.
Other bloggers, who posted this picture when it came out, mentioned the usual stuff about spanking becoming more mainstream. Well, if this is what mainstream spanking means, then it might as well stay underground!
And yet Rihanna has to be one of the most spank-worthy celebs of the year. She released an album called Good Girl Gone Bad for a start, which contained her massive hit Umbrella. She also treated us to a dance routine on her tour in which she revealed plenty of leg and booty (see left).
Then recently, it was reported that she caused offence to her family when she went home to attend her sister’s wedding.
Rihanna hails from conservative Barbados, and the revealing dress (right) she wore didn’t go down too well, both on grounds of taste, and also because she upstaged the bride.
One family member said:
She should have been more low-key, dressed appropriately. She had words with her aunt and mother, and she was asked to leave.
Even if this report is not true, it’s still a great premise for a story or a film.
I recommend something more like this…
…followed by a Caribbean-style rump roasting that really makes her yella – ella – ella!
I suppose strictly speaking this isn’t a celebrity who wants to be a spanking model. More a nonentity who actually was a spanking model, who then went on to be famous.
Heather Mills, former wife of Paul McCartney, posed for this picture when she was a penniless 1980’s wannabe. But, twenty years on, it remains highly topical. And controversial.
Heather is currently engaged in open warfare with the press. She thinks they treat her unfairly, and one of the biggest bones of contention has been their description of her as a former porn model. She prefers the description ‘glamour’ model.
Perhaps ‘spanking model’ could be agreed upon as a compromise that would suit both parties. She certainly looks quite at home in the role. The tabloids could ditch her ‘Lady Mucca’ tag and change it to ‘Lady Wacca!’
But when is a former spanking model of the internet generation going to become world famous for something? It’s sure to happen one day, and what a field day the press would have then?
Bizarrely, Heather Mills was not the only wife of a former Beatle who wanted to be a spanking model in the 1980s. Barbara Bach is an American actress best-known as the Bond girl from the James Bond movie The Spy Who Loved Me (1977). She also happens to be the wife of Ringo Starr.
She did a shoot for a Playboy magazine, which, surely does make her a porn model:
Heather Mills’ pictures, on the other hand, were published in 1988 in a book entitled Sexual Secrets, the contents of which could perhaps be compared in style to that recent photo shoot that Maggie Gyllenhall did for underwear label Agent Provocateur. Sexy, but stylish pictures which flirt playfully with pornographic imagery.
Maggie Gyllenhall of course is one of the most respected actresses in the world, and not normally referred to as a porn star, in spite of the fact that she has also been genuinely spanked in a movie.
So perhaps poor persecuted Heather has a point.
Finally I don’t know the source of this image but it screams 1980s. Is it porn? Is it glamour?
Let’s call it ‘art’.
In a twist on our normal theme of celebrities-who-want-to-be-spanking models, what if spanking models were to be cast in biopics of celebrities-who-have-been-spanked. Who would play who?
Beverly Bacci models for Punished Brats and is the girl behind Pixie on the Philly Edge magazine cover (See That’s Great News! 21.06.07). I think she would be ideal to play the teenage Debbie Boone in a film based on her life story.
In her 1981 biography Debbie Boone: The Story So Far, Debbie, the eldest of the group of singing sisters, recalled the spankings which she received from her father, Pat, right up to the age of nineteen.
Spankings, especially from my father, were not just a perfunctory pat on the behind. He meant for us to remember them and used a slipper, belt, or anything else that stung. The number of whacks on our bare bottoms depended as much on our reaction to being caught as the offense itself. We could expect more if we had lied or talked back.”
Often with tears still fresh in our eyes, the four of us would go up to my room and compare war wounds. Bending over, we’d back up to the mirror to see whose backsides had the reddest marks. Mine were always the worst, mainly because I had the most sensitive skin.
Sounds like just the sort of domestic scenario in which Punished Brats excel to me. In fact, this picture already comes pretty close to recreating the scene described in the second paragraph above.
And Beverly does seem to have the worst marks!
And what about Amelia Jane Rutherford to play Estelle Skorknik?
In an interview in the Daily Mail, the French actress said:
School was like a prison to me and I couldn’t wait to leave. I was a shy girl, I had a real lack of confidence, school seemed to make me worse. My teacher was very strict. She once left our classroom for a few minutes so I went to the front and started imitating her – and she cane back and caught me, put me over her knee, pulled my knickers down, and smacked me in front of the whole class. It was very humiliating.
If this scene were to be brought to life, I think that A-J Rutherford would be perfectly cast as the elegant Skorknik.
Although even The News of the World has so far stopped short of calling for Lindsey Lohan to be beheaded, if the tabloid press had been around in Tudor times, I’m sure that Lady Jane Grey would have received the same sort of headlines as Lindsey, Paris, Britney and co. And probably the same sort of interest from spank fans.
Until recently, it was thought that no portrait had survived of the tragic nine-day Queen who was executed on the orders of Mary l. This miniature painting has now been identified as being of her.
You could say that she was the original spanked celebrity, since her own surviving letters describe the punishments that she received during her upbringing including a reference to “other practices too shameful to describe”.
This has been interpreted by historians as a reference to corporal punishment such as caning or birching on the bare bottom, which was a common practice at the time.
The film Lady Jane(1986) showed a young Helena Bonham-Carter being punished in this manner. It is a scene that made a powerful impression on me. Realistic, ritualistic, severe, bare bottom – it ticked so many boxes.
But I think that Bailey of Real Spanking would make a more convincing Lady Jane Grey look-a-like than Helena Bonham-Carter ever did. Sign her up for the remake immediately.
Finally, do you know who this is?
It’s Juanita Carberry, the girl on whom the story of The Happy Valley is based. You will probably know that Holly Aird played her in the notorious TV production of the 1980s, in which there were four caning scenes. Who could play her in a remake? Well at the moment I’m thinking Nikki Flynn. It would certainly require someone with a high pain threshold to play this role. But perhaps you have better ideas?
In fact, they could do a lot worse than recast Holly Aird who may not be a spanking model, but is still looking gorgeous and highly spankable on our TV screens in Waking the Dead.
As I thought you would be interested to see, she still bares more than a passing resemblance to the teenage Miss Carberry, although she is now aged 38.
The dramatic shadows in this picture of pop group Girl’s Aloud, seem to add to the atmosphere – imagine the outline of a headmaster flexing his cane projected against that wall behind them. Whoever took this picture, certainly had our sort of fantasy in mind.
Girl’s Aloud came to fame through the programme Pop Idol, in which they had to pass through a series of auditions before being chosen to be in the band. It would seem that they are now auditioning for Spank Idol(what a great show that would be?). Having successfully got through the first round, they moved on to the next – cameo appearances in the new St Trinian’s film:
Unfortunately Nicola, the red-head, pictured on the left above, was caught on set chatting on her mobile phone when she should have been learning her lines. (See below)
As the rare final picture shows, not only was she ejected from Spank Idol after this round, but appropriately enough, sent back to obscurity with a very sore bottom.
It’s well recorded that Girl’s Aloud aren’t permitted to cough without being told to by their management. Appealing to the repressed spanko impulse in society is clearly a shrewd marketing strategy. But it’s hardly original, because Tatu wrote the book for this sort of stuff in 2003, not to mention Britney Spears in the nineties.
Russian duo Tatu’s image was controversially based on spanking websites, provoking calls that their records should be banned. Here’s a good example of what I mean using the Philly Edge magazine cover that I wrote about yesterday as a nicely topical point of comparison.
Funny that no-one seems to think that Girl’s Aloud or the St Trinians film should be banned for doing much the same thing. Was Tatu’s real crime that they weren’t western? Or perhaps, horror of horrors, up front and honest about what they were doing?
Of course, however many times Girl’s Aloud are photographed in these sorts of poses and uniforms, it’s all a tease, a knowing, ironic charade. We’re never really going to really see them get caned or punished are we?
Look at the knowing smirks and arch expressions in the top photo. Take Cheryl Cole (second from left) for example. She hardly looks like she’s about to face the music does she, more like she’s trying to seduce the cameraman.
Now contrast the look on her face with that in this picture.
Here the pampered pop millionaire is about to appear in court on charges of assaulting a humble and impoverished black lavatory cleaner. (She was later found guilty).
Without much make-up, without cliché uniform, without clever lighting, without a middle-aged music mogul pulling strings on her arms and legs. She looks every inch the recalcitrant student who has been caught bullying, and is now on her way to the headmistress’s office for an appointment with the cane. In fact, what’s so great about this picture is that it shows a celebrity who doesn’t want to be a spanking model.
Finally, here’s a link to a brand new rear view of Cheryl in a bikini that I just found on Chross’ blog. (Thanks Chross!)
The Spank Statement 