Category Archives: Film Fanatic

What Top Celebrities Really Think About Their Bottoms – No. 3

Jessica Alba (the newly crowned sexiest woman in the world):

“I’d get in trouble for my clothes. The youth pastor made me wrap a sweater round my waist to hide my butt. I still get insecure about having hips and a booty, even though it’s how women are supposed to look.” (On her strict religious upbringing, in FHM magazine)

Jessica Alba_4-1And according to Empire, the youth pastor wasn’t the only one who was unhappy about the young Jessica running around in skimpy outfits. Her grandmother disapproved of her wearing bikinis too…

“I wasn’t allowed to wear them in the house when I was a kid. I would get spanked. My grandma would get the flyswatter and make us get our clothes on.”

…which of course is exactly what she wore most of the time in her film Into the Blue .

Here’s a picture of her blatantly defying both her grandmother and the pastor once again.

I reckon there’s no flies on that butt, however I think her grandmother should be called upon one last time just to make sure.

Some flyswatting action courtesy of Webshots:

Fly Swat 2

Coming soon in the ‘What Top Celebrities Really Think About Their Bottoms’ slot: Keira Knightley.

Whose Bottom Is It Anyway?

When we see a naked bottom in a movie there’s no guarantee to whom it belongs. Just occasionally there’s an unequivocal, classic arse-bearing scene – Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut for example.

Nicole Kidman3

But more often than not, directors take advantage of the fact that it’s easy to show the behind without the face being in shot. One of the most notorious examples of this fraud has to be the famous scene of ‘Britt Ekland’ dancing in The Wicker Man. This film was remade recently – and, guess what? Britt Ekland’s butt still wasn’t in it!

Not Britt Ekland

What a strange job, though, being a bottom double must be. I once saw a skit on TV with the model who played Renee Zwellwegger’s bottom in Bridget Jones . She had to stand on a revolving wheel with three other girls. They hiked up their skirts and stood while the wheel turned round. Viewers then had to guess which bottom was used in the film.

Surely a game show based on this format should have been commissioned by now.

Austin Powers

Carrie Ann Inaba1My post on Corner Time for Bunny Girls touched on the subject of Austin Powers film Goldmember (2002) in which Carrie Ann Inaba(left) was threatened: “You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom”.

But did you know that this line was also said to Heather Graham’s character on the extras of The Spy Who Shagged Me dvd? It was also used by Mike Myers in Madonna’s Beautiful Stranger video, and in the children’s movie Shrek.

No wonder it became something of a popular catch phrase. Around this time, I recall hearing some female colleagues joking about how they amused themselves on a night out by walking up to complete strangers and saying: “Excuse me, can you tell me the right way for a smacked bottom?” Bizarrely, they said that the person asked would often attempt to give instructions such as “I think you turn left at the end there”.

I remember thinking what a shock they’d have got if someone had replied “Right here!”

Hotel Babylon

Tamsiin Outhwaite2 I have to admit to taking a guilty pleasure in BBC1 drama Hotel Babylon (Thursday 9pm). “A show in search of a shark to jump over” might be one description. But it’s all in good fun, and well worth a watch.

An added bonus is the presence of Tamzin Outhwaite in the cast, who has been arousing interest from UK spankophiles ever since she was in Eastenders. Her Spank-o-meter rating rose even higher when she appeared in army uniform in Red Cap. Here’s a close up view of that much coveted bum.

A! However, Tamzin Outhwaite is NOT the most spankable female on this show. That honour must go to the receptionist Anna, played by Emily Pierson (left).

In addition to being very pretty; her character is about as tailored to the spanko sensibility as it gets. Stuck up, self-centred and scheming, she is in need of taking down a peg or two hundred. Plus, her story lines all seem to involve getting up to some mischief, before an inevitable comeuppance.

series2 episode6a

In this week’s episode she appears dressed like this. No idea why, but I’m looking forward to finding out. I saw Emily Pierson interviewed, and she turns out to be something of an English rose in real life. She described her character as “rather minxy” and “naughty” – how sweet!!

Max BeesleyFortunately, salvation could be at hand in the shape of the deputy manager played by Max Beesley(left). He is something of an old-fashioned northern silent type in the Sean Bean mould. He is the only male character who has the measure of Anna. He can see through her, and gives her short shrift.

mov03In a recent episode Anna stole a costume and gatecrashed a masqued ball. On discovering her ruse, Beesley strode onto the dance floor, picked her up by the waist and carried her, kicking and shouting, from the room. This was almost Wayne and O’Hara-esque.

I’d certainly watch McClintock II if it featured these two. They’d be perfect in The Iron Maiden Rides Again too. How come films with classic spanking scenes never seem to get remade?

Jennifer Anniston Spanked

Jennifer

I see the romantic comedy Along Came Polly (2004) is on TV this week. (Wednesday, ITV1 9pm). I know it’s not a great film, and the actual spanking action is pretty lame too, but hey, it is Jennifer Anniston who gets spanked after all.

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, Ben Stiller plays an ultra-cautious risk assessor whose wife leaves him for a French scuba diver – on their honeymoon! Back home, he meets ditzy high-school chum Polly (Jennifer Anniston).

Stiller’s character confides in a friend that he likes to give his dates a spanking, so we know what to expect when Polly climbs on top of him and he runs his hand down to her rear (in close-up). After a brief pause of indecision, he spanks her once. Considering that elsewhere in the film there is some pretty extreme gross-out humour, it seems a bit tame – you would have thought he could have gone for it a bit more!

Also, it’s a shame that, having introduced this motif, they didn’t develop it further. At least we do get to see Jennifer in some very small tight red shorts, although whether it was really her butt in the close-up shot is debatable I suppose.

What isn’t debatable, is just how hot her butt looks in this picture – with a bit of help from the prevailing breeze.

Spanking With Lulu Part One

British theatre critic Kenneth Tynan caused a stir when his memoirs were published a few years back, and revealed him to be a spanking fan of pretty voracious appetite. The lurid details have led to a drastic reappraisal of his influence, and I doubt that his name features too highly on many English syllabuses at the moment. When I was at university, he was a well respected figure and something of a hero to anti-establishment types who hailed him for being the first person to say the f-word on British Television.

Tynan was infatuated with 1920’s film star Louise Brooks, whose beauty and smoldering stage presence can be seen here. louise-brooks-1925 He considered her to be “the most sexually attractive woman who had ever illuminated the screen”.

In 1978, he discovered that she was still alive and living as a recluse in Rochester, New York. He persuaded The New Yorker to commission a profile and spent three days interviewing her. A play by Janet Munsil entitled Smoking with Lulu tells the story of their meeting.

It has never been widely performed, and I look forward to the day when a film or TV adaptation is made. When they met, Brooks was in her seventies, bedridden with osteoarthritis, but Tynan remained haunted by her youthful screen presence – hence the existence of a third character in the play called Lulu. With trademark bobbed hair and a variety of silk knickers, she is the embodiment of Tynan’s fantasies.

In a 2000 production of the play, Sophie Millett played Lulu. Her silk knickers were not constantly on display however – she also dressed in Ziegfield plumes, and as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz – prancing provocatively around the stage while footage of Brooks’ movies flashed behind her.

OK I’ve set it up for you. One of the most notorious career spankos of the 20th Century confronted by his lifelong fantasy woman, dancing provocatively around him. What happened next? Well the answer will be provided in an exclusive illustration from the play, which I will post at a later date if there seems to be much interest in this type of stuff.

Lindsey Lohan

Britney, Lindsey and Paris Spanked

lindsay-lohan2 That should bring in some search engine traffic, he said cynically. These three form something of an unholy trinity of celebrity spanko fantasy at the moment. It’s not surprising really considering the negative press coverage they receive for the “crimes” of being young, successful, single and female. Their every slip up and misdemeanor gets picked on and blown out of all proportion by the press because, well, because we enjoy reading that sort of stuff, I suppose.

I read an article about Lindsey Lohan writing a condolence letter to the family of film director Robert Altman, who died last November. She had starred in his last movie A Prairie Home Companion. The letter was full of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors such as “hafta” for have to and “adiquate” for adequate. Opinion seemed divided on whether this was a sincere but misguided tribute, or frankly a bit of slap dash insult to his memory.

But the striking thing was the way the newspaper printed the letter with each mistake ringed in red and the correct version written underneath, like a teacher marking a bad essay. You half expected it to say “See Me” at the bottom. When I read stuff like this, I’m not so sure if spanko fantasy is being driven by the mainstream media, or if in fact it’s the other way round!

Spanking New Role for Kathleen McDermott

movern callar 4Kathleen McDermott (on the right in this pic) is an up and coming Scottish actress who was in the 2002 film Morvern Callar, in which she starred with the equally young and talented Samantha Morton.

Now she is to appear in a controversial new Channel 4 comedy film written by Irvine Welsh (Trainspotting) called Wedding Belles . It tells the story of four life-long friends in their late twenties as they prepare for a wedding in Edinburgh. She plays Shaz who works in an old people’s home and sells black-market Viagra to the residents.

Apparently there is a scene in which her character spanks a priest with a table tennis bat. Her description makes it sound quite explicit:

Brendan, the actor, and myself are both Catholics so it did feel a bit strange. But he wanted to make it as realistic as possible, so he kept on telling me really to go for it. By the end of the third take his backside was purple.”

Expect this to really hit the headlines when it is aired later this month. Let’s hope for two things though:

  1. Channel 4 doesn’t “pull” the scene. Since the Celebrity Big Brother racism row they’re very sensitive to criticism, and recently scrapped a scheduled week of programmes about masturbation.
  2. The tables are turned, and the Catholic priest uses the ping pong bat to teach Shaz a lesson about the sin of dealing drugs on the black market!

Venus

 And so, to the cinema, to see the new British movie Venus starring Leslie Philips and Peter O’Toole as old friends Ian and Maurice. They are fellow actors of the type who had decent careers while never breaking through to the big time. The pair spend their semi-retirement mulling over obituaries in the café, and bickering like husband and wife. Maurice is having trouble with his prostate and is reduced to playing corpses on TV (“typecasting,” jokes his ex-wife).

Their routine is disturbed by the arrival of Ian’s great-niece Jessie played by Jodie Whittaker, Most Spankable 2007 who comes to London from the north, ostensibly to care for her relative while searching for work. Ian, who expects a dutiful servant, is disappointed. She turns out to be surly, self-centered, idle, ignorant, foul mouthed and a prodigious drinker and smoker. Despite Jessie’s shortcomings, Maurice takes a shine to her and decides to undertake her education. Now doesn’t that sound just like the synopsis of a spanking porn film? Or at least a mainstream film that’s sure to have a spanking scene in it?

The excellent Jodie Whittaker, certainly goes straight to the top of my Most Spankable Celebrity 2007 list . Unfortunately, she does not get initiated into the Cinema Spanking Hall of Fame, in spite of almost every scene that she is in providing a potential provocation. This omission is all the more disappointing considering that O’Toole’s character is clearly a bottom worshipper, as he names Jessie ‘Venus’ after the famous painting by Velázquez in the National Gallery. This nude, by a painter who normally didn’t do nudes, features arguably the most beautiful bottom in all art.

.rokeby

The scene in which the pair see the painting is pictured here.venus1  O’Toole and Whittaker bounce off each other brilliantly, and it is actually appropriate and sweet when he nicknames her Venus, after the painting. As well as art, the script also plays with literature and pop culture (when Maurice quotes Shakespeare, Jessie counters with Kylie ). But my favourite moment is when O’Toole’s character quotes a poem by Philip Larkin which should be called something like “The Spanker’s Elegy”, but is actually called much more boringly, “Administration”:

Day by day your estimation clocks up

Who deserves a smile and who a frown,

And girls you have to tell to pull their socks up,

Are those whose pants you’d most like to pull down