Shiver me timbers! Splice the main brace and roll out the spanker! Yo ho ho and a nice bare bum!
Yes, my hearties, Doctor Who is back and this week’s episode sees the Doctor and sassy side-kick Amy Pond take to the High Seas where they’ll be dealing with a bunch of pirates led by Hugh Bonneville as Captain Avery. After last week’s wild west cowboy stylings, this series is clearly on a mission to bring us stories with as much spanking potential as possible.
Swashbuckling pirate movies of the 1940s and 1950s always leaned towards a likely spanking for the heroine who, in my memory at least, often stowed away on board disguised as a boy. I found this intriguing because it meant that one of the most common excuses NOT to spank the leading lady – her femininity – was out of the way. It kind of levelled the playing field.
The anti-hero pirate captain is the perfect character for the job too. From Errol Flynn in Captain Blood to Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, you could hardly create characters more suited to the task of dealing with a wayward wench on board. In theory at least.
Yet, when I came to look in to it, there’s not much material on the internet. I found plenty of nautical spankings, but to qualify as a true pirate spanking we are looking for at least some of the following:
- eye patch
- tricorne hat
- treasure chest
- treasure map
- galleon ship
- jolly roger flag
- plank walking
- artificial limbs
- bottles of rum
- soft rump spanked by horny hand
This is the only picture I could come up with that truly delivers. In fact it ticks at least 5 of my piratical boxes including using the flat side of no 7 as an impromptu backside whacker! It looks as though it comes from a pantomime or some stage comedy/musical.
I would be surprised if artists such as Paula Meadows, Brian Tarsis and others haven’t tackled this theme, but I couldn’t find any pirate spanking drawings at all in my collection.
The situation isn’t much better in the movies either in spite of the aforementioned high degree of opportunity. The only authentic pirate movie spanking scenes I could confirm both come from 1967’s The King’s Pirate.
Cashiered from the royal navy in disgrace, Doug McClure becomes a buccaneer, guiding his loyal crew to an island completely populated by cut-throats. Here he links up with a pirate captain and his lady-swashbuckler Jill St. John. The plot comes to a head when the pirates conspire to hold lovely Middle-Eastern princess Mary Ann Mobley for ransom.
I’ve never seen this movie and the clips don’t seem to be available but McClure gives the beautiful Bond girl Jill St John a swat on the behind AND threatens Mary Ann Mobley with a good spanking too.
Doug McClure and Jill St John in The King’s Pirate
In fiction, things get a little more interesting. The hero of Donald Barr Chidsey’s 1953 novel Captain Adam, goes where contemporary Hollywood pirates feared to tread…right to the bottom of the matter!
According to the book jacket: “Real trouble started when Adam acquired a passenger – Lady Maisie Treadway of London, red-haired, beautiful, young and very feminine”.
The result is the aristocratic Maisie gets a lesson in humility that she’ll never forget. The description is brief but does the job:
Adam laid it on resoundingly. Eight, nine, ten times he whammed those buttocks with a big flat horney right hand. The crowd went wild.
There’s a group of satisfied onlookers in this illustration too which is from a story called South Sea Adventure (not presumably the Willard Price children’s novel of the same name). The bearded spanker is quite possibly a modern style pirate or gangster of the seas. His crew certainly have an air of menace about them. It’s a great picture anyway whatever the story behind it.
Finally, in the video for Danish band Aqua’s 1990s hit My,Oh My, the gorgeous singer Lena is roped to a mast for a lashing. Her hit-me-harder facial expressions are nice and the lashes are definitely aimed at her bottom much to the delight of Captain Hook! And the video ticks EVERY pirate cliché in the book…and then some!
If you’re watching Doctor Who at the weekend, why not use my pirate check list for a drinking game? If you get number 12, crack open a bottle of champagne!