The Spank Statement

Tying up a few loose-ends from previous posts:

The long lost spanking scene from The Cowcatcher’s Daughter has at last made it onto YouTube. You can now view probably the longest spanking in a mainstream movie EVER!.

I’ve also got another post planned later in the year on the star of this film, Marjorie Beebe, written along with a reader who also happens to be a leading authority on this actress. You won’t want to miss it.

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The book Confessions of a London Spank Daddy has been published. You can read a lengthy extract by going to this page. Select the “spanking & submission” tab, and then follow the links.

It’s production-line porn and pure fiction. Great title though, and the premise - a spanking equivalent of best-selling book Belle de Jour - is an excellent one. If Secret Diary of a Call-girl (based on Belle de Jour ) can make it as a TV series, then why not this?

Incidentally, a new series of Secret Diary begins in September. After the scenes of Billie Piper whipping a client in series one, surely this time the tables will be turned.

Spanked soon?

Talking of TV dramas, Octavia is also listed as coming up shortly. I’ll write a follow-up post about this, even if there is no spanking scene. In the meantime, a picture has been released of Tamsin Egerton playing Jilly Cooper’s 1970s sore-bottomed heroine.

Spanked soon?

Reader’s Pictures:

A regular reader has sent me some stills of two of his best bare bottom scenes from movies:

The one on the left is Linda Kozlowski in Crocodile Dundee. Bearing in mind this film dates from the pre-thong days of 1986, he writes:

The first time I saw Crocodile Dundee a collective gasp was heard as Ms Kozlowski disrobed to take a swim. She had a bathing-suit on, but it cut so deep between her buttocks that it looked as if it was bare.

And what a bottom! It’s so majestic that a mere spanking won’t do, this is a bottom for a royal performance by the cane. With a big production: a judicial caning - in a far-off land in a football stadium, in front of a crowd - with a drummer-boy to introduce each new stroke with a drumroll.

Her regal bottom got her the female lead in Zorn, a movie about Swedish artist Anders Zorn, famous for painting voluptuous women. The movie has a scene where she takes a bath - and this time her bottom is naked in all its glory.

The right-hand picture is of Jeanne Tripplehorn and my e-mailer describes it as “The only reason to sit through sixteen hours of Waterworld.”

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JS666 has sent me a picture of some “car hop” waitresses from the 1940s. These striking outfits were mentioned in the comments to the Uniform Special on waitresses. They’re competing for the title of Fairest Car Hop in Galveston, Texas 1941.

JS has also recently been sending me some of his most cherished spanking images, many of which will no doubt find their way into future posts. Thanks JS, I’ve enjoyed reading all your emails.

I love it when I get sent pictures by the way!

*****

Finally, back to the more recent subject of naughty maids:

Dr Ken kindly tipped us off about a movie in which Jennifer Anniston appeared as a French maid, and JS has sent me the stills. The film is Friends With Money. (N.B. vacuum cleaner attachments can be used as spanking implements…but only in an emergency.)

There’s also some great news from Chross, who dropped by to say that he has archived the Lady of the Manor video book, and will be including it in his Spanking Showcase.

With that in mind, I was looking for some up-to-date pictures of socialite and model Daisy Lowe, who played one of the punished maids. I googled “her name + Glastonbury” (’cos I knew she’d be there) and found these pictures of her on a fashion blog.

As you can see, she is wearing skin-tight black pvc strides with wellies - a rather kinky combination.

She was also spotted quite brazenly LARKING AROUND…

AND GOOFING OFF…for the camera!

Should these incriminating pictures come to the attention of Lady A-P, I suspect that disobedient Daisy will soon find herself reluctantly re-treading that all too familiar route to the library of Muckington Manor!

Whatever are young girls coming to these days?

In my last post, we left two naughty maids as they had been sent to the library of Muckington Manor by their mistress for failing to do their chores properly.

For those who want to cut to the chase and see what happens when they are in the library, click this link. Then (after clicking on the cover of the book), open the menu (bottom left), and click on “Discipline”; OR click on the hidden link in the far left skylight of the roof of the house.

(Includes short video clip and excellent line drawings)

*****

The picture of the maids above comes from a collection of “sexy adventure booklets” made for lingerie company Agent Provocateur. This second one in the series is entitled The Lady of the Manor.

The dark-haired maid is played by 19 year-old model Daisy Lowe (above), who has since become a regular in the gossip columns and the star of a reality TV show.

She is the daughter of a model (Pearl Lowe) and a rock star (Gavin Rossdale) and was described in The Sunday Times last month as “London’s hottest it-girl”. She has also been in the news for dating super-cool record producer Mark Ronson.

Daisy Lowe and Peaches Geldoff

The other maid is a a stunning Australian redhead called Tiah Eckhardt.

Lady A-P is played by famous model and actress Catherine Bailey. The scenes were shot in a country house outside Oxford.

According to reports, the fabulously sexy 46 year-old enjoyed playing the role of the mistress in charge of two naughty French maids. One minute she is whipping their bare bottoms; the next she is half nude, being massaged by them in a bubble bath.

“I liked being in control.” she said.

I bet she did! How satisfying for a middle-aged former it-girl to get to discipline today’s young pretenders.

And Daisy and Tiah look genuinely intimidated by her, as she strides up and down the library tapping her riding crop, with their quivering little bottoms entirely at her mercy. What a sight!

I mentioned the line drawings, which are by Tim Major. I particularly like the one where the imperious mistress is dragging the pair of miscreants to the library by their ears.

If you’ve read this far, you will probably prefer to click the link above and read the whole story.

You will discover that the maids were luckily spared punishment for their laziness in doing their chores. But later, after spying on their mistress romping with a lover in the stables, they are found out by a piece of hay in Tiah’s hair.

“Her ladyship is not best pleased.”

So it’s back to the library, and this time the misbehaving maids are not so fortunate.

The classic black and white French maid costume takes some beating. It’s similar to that of a waitress, but usually shorter, and more frilly and lacy. In other words, more sexy and provocative.

It’s also worn in a different context, and comes trailing a whole host of exciting spanking scenarios along with it.

This uniform is most commonly associated with the setting of the grand country house. Such places are full of dust, and when the maid isn’t bending over to clean, you’ll usually find her at the top of a ladder. Either way, the Lord of the Manor can sit back and enjoy the view.

When it comes to finding reasons to discipline a maid, you don’t have to try too hard. French maids and light corporal punishment are natural bedfellows.

Evidence of this is provided by the fact that there is a novel entitled Spanking the Maid written by Robert Coover. It’s not even porn, but a serious examination of the abuse of power in relationships. But let’s just enjoy the cover, and that title:

Not Porn

The theme hasn’t escaped the attention of spanking video producers either. This is the cover inlay of a classic Spanking for Pleasure production with a Robert Coover inspired title (click to enlarge).

Porn

This picture shows Cuban-American actress Joanne Garcia as Reba’s oldest daughter in the sitcom Reba. No spanking in this, but what a superb demonstration of the allure of the maid costume.

So how do you like your French maids to find themselves being punished? This chalk drawing by Brian Tarsis comes from the more formal end of the spectrum.

The house guests are all assembled for drinks, which the unfortunate maid has spilt all over the floor. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she has ruined her mistress’ dress in the process. Check the lady’s satisfied expression as the maid receives her just deserts…on the bare bottom…with a strap. The man doing the spanking is the butler.

You can usually guarantee that if the master or mistress of the house doesn’t get to spank the maid, then the butler will.

That’s exactly what happens in the film Keep it Up Downstairs (1976). This clip shows butler Neil Hallett spanking French maid Francoise Pascal. The spanking is rather weak and ineffectual, but it’s still a hot scene thanks to the costume, and a nice pair of white bloomers.

I also found this great picture of Francoise Pascal apparently ready to receive a dose of something more severe from His Lordship,

…perhaps for the offence of sweeping dust under the carpet:

Talking of failing to dust properly, what about these two lazy young maids? They’ve been instructed to spend the morning on their chores, but have hardly put their back into it. (click for much larger image)

When the Lady of the Manor comes to inspect their work they know they’re in deep trouble. Just look at the rabbit-caught-in-headlights expression of the one on the right, and the sorrowful doe-eyes of her flame-haired companion.

The mistress runs her finger over the table to check for dust…and discovers what a slip-shod job the pair have done.

“You two! Go straight to the library, and wait for me there!” she barks.

Read tomorrow’s Spank Statement to find out what happens in the library.

All the most crucial coverage from Wimbledon this year has been about Maria Sharapova’s shorts. She decided to ditch the skirts, meaning that the tabloids haven’t been able to publish pictures of her undies - probably for the first time since she started playing the tournament.

And where’s the fun in that? Women’s tennis isn’t about rallies, serves and volleys - it’s about soft porn!

What goes around comes around: 1949 - 2008

So here’s a little something for those misty-eyed with nostalgia for the days when women tennis player’s briefs really were brief, and Martina Hingis’ panties reined supreme, as the finest sight in the women’s game.

I don’t know who put this montage together, but they clearly deserve some kind of award for services to pervery.

If you’re missing your annual dose of the leggy Russian lovely’s lingerie however, hope is at hand.

She’s already been knocked out of the tournament by Alla Kudryavtseva, who is ranked No.154 in the world and is described as “not one of the glamour girls of tennis”. She said that Sharapova’s status as a fashion icon had got under her skin.

How the down-to-earth daughter of a wrestler bristled when she set eyes on the pampered golden girl with the fashionable gear on the other side of the net:

“Taking down Sharapova is a big, big deal for me. It’s very pleasant to beat Maria. I don’t like her outfit. I don’t like the way it looks, and I don’t like all that fashion stuff. Can I put it this way? It was one of my motivations to beat her.”

“Taking down” - an interesting choice of words. Does she mean:

• beating her at tennis
• humiliating her by “taking her down” a peg or two
• or “taking down” those irksome shorts and applying a much needed spanking to her bare bottom!
• a combination of all three!

So in the event, the shorts weren’t exactly lucky shorts were they?

That’s why I expect Maria Sharapova’s panties to be back on full view in all their headline grabbing glory next year - with more telescopic lenses than ever trained on her pert athletic buttocks as her skirt flips up each time she serves.

Alternatively, she could show some contrition for her hubris by walking onto centre court before her first game and adopting the same pose as Jelena Jankovich here.

Then the photographers could all get their picture, and the game could begin.

*****

Some more tennis related goodies:

One for lovers of regulation green knickers, I spotted this picture on the Graham Norton chat show last week, and I’ve tracked it down on the net. It dates from 1994, and shows Martina Navratilova apparently lusting after a ball girl’s bottom. It would have made a great addition to my Watch the Booty post.

And this is one of the better attempts to recreate the iconic Athena tennis-girl poster courtesy of Zoo magazine. The model is Charlotte Mckenna.

“I had an act where I was a girl in love with Elvis, and at the end of it, I’d tell a story about how I fell asleep in a theater after one of his shows and got spanked for staying out all night. I’d pull up my dress and rub my hand over my keister like I’d just been spanked.”

- Dixie Evans.

Known as the “Marilyn Monroe of Burlesque”, Dixie Evans (left) was one the most popular strip-tease performers in the 1950s.

Whilst burlesque as a form of mass popular entertainment was killed off by television, it has never disappeared completely.

In fact the tradition has had something of a revival lately - as fashionably retro entertainment for a young and hip audience in the larger cities.

Spanking was the perfect saucy-but-not-too-pervy ingredient to add a little spice into the proceedings, as the quote from Dixie Evans shows.

And it’s good to see that is still the case, as we admire some of the modern day burlesque performers who, just like the stars of yesteryear, are prepared to put their heart and soul into their performance - not to mention their keisters!

Beginning in Atlanta, it looks as though this girl stayed out all night too - at the Beyonce concert perhaps! A really hot picture.

Talking of Elvis though, I’m sure he would have approved of his home town of Memphis staging a show which used this as it’s promotional poster.

And this one from Vancouver gives the punters an interesting choice: “Leather and Lace: The Dark side includes tall boots and a spanking station. The Light side includes frilly pink and a cupcake station!”

Spanking or cup-cakes: You decide

Burlesque has its origins in 19th Century music-hall and vaudeville, and this compere at a show in Las Vegas looks as though he came straight out of that era. He is asking the audience if the young lady bending over the piano deserves to be spanked…or not.

In Boston things can get really kinky.

“No cupcakes for you, young lady!”

Burlesque performers, often create elaborate comic skits with colorful costumes, mood-appropriate music, dramatic lighting,

and lashings of good old-fashioned bottom spanking.

Some might appreciate the better view that comes without the dramatic lighting though.

Red balloon = red bottom.

The modern day equivalent of Dixie Evans is Dita Von Teese. She is one of the instigators of the burlesque revival, and has been a considerable factor in bringing it back to mainstream attention.

And her bottom has come in for plenty of attention too:

She admits she’s really into a bit of bondage and spanking, and said in an interview: “I think a lot of people, if they were honest, would say, ‘Yeah, that sounds fun.’ “

“I’d sit down to sign this book, but my keister’s too sore.”

Von Teeses’ feather fan dance, inspired by another old burlesque star Sally Rand, featured the world’s largest feather fans, now on display in Hollywood’s Museum Of Sex.

keister :

“buttocks,” perhaps transferred from underworld meaning “safe, strongbox” (1914), earlier “a burglar’s tool kit that can be locked” (1881); probably from British dialect kist c.1300, or the German Kiste “chest, box.”

The connection may be via pickpocket slang sense of “rear trouser pocket” (1930s).

Online Etymology Dictionary

A new book has revealed that one of rock music’s greatest female icons received a sound over the knee bottom-warming - aged 23!!

Published in April 2008, Girls Like Us by Sheila Weller charts the lives and careers of three female singers - Carole King, Joni Mitchell and, none other than our good friend, Carly Simon. Their stories are set against the backdrop of American girls coming of age in the late 1960s.

Background to the spanking:

Shortly after leaving art college and moving to Toronto in June 1964, Joni found out that she was pregnant by her folk singer boyfriend Chuck Mitchell. In February 1965 she gave birth to a baby girl who was given up for adoption.

A few weeks after the birth, Joni married Chuck, and in the summer of the same year, he took her with him to the United States. For the following year and a half, they lived together in an apartment in Chuck’s home town, Detroit.

The spanking:

Their relationship was a rocky one with many blazing rows. Sheila Weller writes on page 230 of the book:

At some point after Joni returned to Detroit from Philadelphia in
the early winter of 1966-67, Chuck confronted her. This wasn’t the first time he’d shown his young wife his anger and insecurity.

“I got paranoid, and all this garbage was coming out in my mind about my trying to control Joni and my resentment of her success and my fear of losing her.”

Joni was so angry at Chuck’s possessiveness.

She said, “You’re bringing me down,” Chuck admits. “She’d always say, don’t be possessive!”

He repeatedly asked her if she’d had an affair. She challenged his right to ask the question. She said something like “Well, what if I did?”

And then, Chuck recalls: “I TURNED HER OVER MY KNEE AND SPANKED HER.”

This photograph shows Chuck and Joni standing by the kitchen window of the Detroit apartment in which the spanking took place.

The aftermath:

Their marriage and partnership dissolved after a year and a half, in early 1967. Thereafter, Joni launched her solo career. Her daughter began a search for her as an adult, and the two were reunited in 1997.

The film:

Girls Like Us is a New York Times bestseller and has already attracted the attention of film and documentary makers.

Variety.com has reported that House executive producer Katie Jacobs has optioned the rights to the book. She will produce as a potential directing vehicle.

Also Shaw TV Winnipeg, a Canadian cable channel, are making a documentary film set for theatrical and DVD release about the relationship between Chuck and Joni.

The title is, believe it or not, Spanking Joni Mitchell!

Could two versions of Joni Mitchell’s 1966 across-the-knee encounter eventually make it onto our screens?

It’s always nice to write about someone new, especially when she’s young, fresh, talented and…normally quite demure. You won’t find any bikini shots of pop singer Duffy on the web (not yet anyway), and her stage costumes are modest and non-revealing.

Her biggest hit Mercy has this week been named the Song Of The Year in the Mojo Honours List 2008.

I was so intrigued by these pictures of her backstage at a festival, that I concocted my own little news story to go with them. It is, I stress, entirely made up.

Spanks a Lot! Singer Duffy Is Top of the HIT parade!

Pop singer Duffy has been pictured getting a sound SPANKING across the BACKSIDE from a burly security guard!

Minutes before taking the stage at Cheltenham’s Wychwood Festival, Welsh singing sensation Duffy bent over and touched her toes. Her balding minder then gave her half a dozen sound swats across her pert little derriere! The bizarre ritual was caught on camera by a photographer.

BEND OVER! Duffy assumes the position, as her minder barks out the order

Asked to explain the strange goings on, she said:

“I’m always really nervous before gigs, and I’ve tried all sorts of techniques to calm down - massage, meditation, you name it.

Then when I was in the US, I met Carly Simon. I went to one of her gigs - it was fantastic because she’s always been a big hero of mine. Afterwards we chatted backstage, and she told me about this great cure for stage fright - SPANKING !

Apparently, she gets spanked before every show!

She says it helps to take your mind off things because all you can think about is the stinging sensation in your bottom. She suggested that I gave it a try.

I wasn’t too sure at first, but when I was being led to the stage at Cheltenham, I was so nervous that I said to my minder who used to be a sergeant in the army:

‘Will you give me a good spanking?’

He didn’t need too much persuading! So he told me to bend over, and being a strong, fit guy, he really laid it on, and gave me six almighty wallops.

.

The former army sergeant soon had Duffy begging for MERCY!

I got quite a shock. I wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much. But sure enough, I completely forgot about my nerves. All I could think about was the tingling sensation, and how much I hated the guy for doing it so hard!”

After her unusual warm up, Duffy stormed the stage and really BELTED out her hits, with the appreciative festival crowd unaware that she was nursing two bright pink butt cheeks underneath her short summer dress.

(Bottom still sore?) Duffy accepts her Mojo award

At a press conference held after the singer collected her Mojo award last night, reporters were keen to bring up the incident.

“Is your bottom still sore? asked one, causing much laughter.

Another asked if she’d try getting spanked again. She replied,”Yeah, but I’ll make sure there aren’t any cameras around next time! Those pictures are SO embarrassing!”

*****

And finally,

This great picture shows American big band leader Lawrence Welk (1903-1982) spanking one of his singers, Jayne Walton.

Spanking the Champagne Lady: “I’ll put some fizz into your performance my girl…and your backside!”

Welk had his own Saturday night TV show, and whenever the orchestra played a polka or waltz, he would dance with the band’s female vocalist who was known as the “Champagne Lady”. Jayne Walton was his second Champagne Lady from from 1950-1955.

Jayne Walton: The “Duffy” of her Day

Perhaps this useful technique stretches back further into the history of popular music than we thought? Could a young Carly Simon have seen Jayne Walton’s spanking-enhanced appearances on the Lawrence Welk Show?

If so, let’s hope the tradition continues to be passed down from one generation to the next!

A comment left by Dan N (on the Mack Sennett post) about “fanny humor” in movies, coupled with the recent musings on tattoos, reminded me of another early 1970s comedy which managed to combine both these themes in one amusing and highly titillating package.

Dick Emery stars as a London conman who, after cheating the Mafia out of half a million pounds, trusts his partner Reggie to stash the loot in a Swiss bank account.

When Reggie is killed, Emery can’t get access to the money, but then, with the help of an old photograph, he figures out the secret:

Reggie recorded the combination of the safety deposit box by having it tattooed on the behinds of four lovelies, each one having part of the code within a heart.

A cheeky undercover search begins, forcing Emery to don a number of cunning disguises to get close enough for a peek at his attractive quarries.

Yes, this is a film entirely about a quest to see four women’s bare bottoms!!

With even more corny butt gags and fanny humor than the Carry On films, Emery seeks out his prey in a series of cartoon-style capers at which he is often amusingly thwarted at the last minute. The victims are:

1. A British Rail announcer, who disrobes inside a photo booth at Waterloo station.
2. A bride on her wedding day, who is exposed before all her guests.
3. A trainee policewoman, who is spied on as she undresses along with a multitude of other nubile recruits.
4. The daughter of a peer, who Emery peeks at through her bedroom window.

I’ve found some pictures from the first scene which features the rather lovely Cheryl Kennedy.

Disguised as a solicitor, Emery tells her that she has inherited a large sum of money, but must first prove her identity via the tattoo.

He takes her to the station photo booth, and tells her to photograph her own bottom.

She is very reluctant at first, but the promise of the money is eventually too much to resist.

She closes the curtain to protect her modesty. But an impatient businessman waiting behind Emery peeks in, and we get a shot of Cheryl kneeling on the stool with her skirt around her waist and a shocked expression on her face. (couldn’t find a picture of this I’m afraid)

The businessman thinks that Emery is an old perv, but he explains that they need a passport photograph…because they’re going down under!! (I did warn you)

He waits impatiently for the photos to drop from the machine.

At last!

He is of course interested in more than just the code number.

Cheryl Kennedy’s tattooed bottom…allegedly

The fourth girl is played by Lisa Goddard, another attractive blonde actress of the time. She plays the spoilt daughter of a rich aristocrat, who is spied upon as she is using one of those old electric slimming machines - the ones with a band that strapped around the buttocks and then vibrated.

But he can’t read the code number with his binoculars because her bottom is wobbling too fast!

This must be one of the most butt-focused films ever made, and apart from a dull opening 25 minutes, it’s actually pretty good. No spanking admittedly, but still a must see.

This comment comes from the IMDb website:

It is actually a very clever and original plot. It would be ideal for a remake by Austin Powers.

Now there’s a thought.

Talking of daddy coming home (see my last post), it’s Father’s Day today, and there’s a certain type of spanking threat that only sounds right coming from the lips of a mature, greying middle-aged parent figure:

“You’re not too old for a good spanking you know”

(Variants: You’re not too big to go across my knee / You’re not too old to get a smacked bottom etc.)

It’s always a lovely expression to hear, conjuring up images as it does of big grown-up girls, who in reality are way too old to be spanked, getting treated in this way.

It’s belittling and embarrassing, but in a way that also manages to sound caring and protective. The implication is that whoever says it is, if not a loving parent, at least acting in loco parentis.

You can’t beat a bit of patronising with your spanking. And what better way is there to make a not-so-young girl feel suddenly 10 years-old and in deep trouble again?

This is an old-fashioned, non-consensual true life account which features such a threat. It comes from the childhood memories section of a creative writing site. The writer, Eve Bradshaw, is looking back at her relationship with her father, who used a small paddle to spank her:

He made it out of wood. I don’t know if he actually cut a piece of two-by-four into a paddle shape, or bought it already shaped like a paddle. I think it had a little hole in the end of the handle, for a string or wire to go through, so he could hang it from a nail on the wall. I may be imagining this, as well as the whistling sound it made as it whipped through the air.

He painted it white. It was about ten inches long from end to end. The paddle end was about four inches wide and five or six inches long, and the handle narrowed down to about an inch, handy and easy-to-swing. It was about an inch and a half thick. It had smooth places from where his fingers gripped it.

The Paddle didn’t stay white. A rough-edged circle of naked wood in the center testified to its frequent use.

Before the Paddle, my dad used to spank us with ping-pong paddles, but they kept breaking. The paddle part would snap right off, leaving him holding a handle with a jagged edge, the rounded, rubber-coated hitting surface dangling flaccidly from slivers of plywood. We loved to play ping pong-my brothers, my dad and I. (One time I cried because I got hit with the “sharp edge of the ping-pong ball”, inspiring life-long teasing-but that’s another story.) So it got to be a bummer that the paddles kept getting broken.

We’d get spanked for throwing balls in the house, for jumping on the furniture, and often-every week, it seemed-for breaking something: lightbulbs or windows or the delicate china tea cups that my mother loved to collect.

“You’re not too old to be spanked,” my dad would threaten us, even after we were. I remember at age nine or ten finding a secret delight in knowing that he was wrong - that my sister, seven years older than I, was definitely too old to be spanked. I pointed this out to him once, and paid the price.

I thought it grossly unjust of him to use this weapon on our tender backsides. “It was an accident!” I’d wail. “It wasn’t my fault!”

“It’s never your fault,” my dad would say grimly, as he headed off to the kitchen cabinet, where the Paddle hung on a hook near an unopened jar of Wagner’s orange marmalade. “But things still get broken!” I’d wait, terrified, surrounded by the shattered bits of whatever it was I had broken that time, while he went to get the Paddle; and then I’d scream and yell while he grabbed my arm and whacked me five or six times, hard, on the butt.

After, I’d run sobbing to my room, shamed and hurt, my ass stinging. I hated him, at least temporarily.

We still kept breaking things-not maliciously, but negligently, just by playing with the wrong things in the wrong places. If my parents had taken away the ball as a logical consequence of throwing it in the house, we would have learned not to play ball in the house. The lives of many a breakable object would have been spared.

My mother rarely, or perhaps never, used the Paddle, and threatened us with my dad’s return rather than delivering her own discipline. This passive approach rendered her powerless to us, and sent us the message that she was a weaker, lesser, unequal partner in their marriage. Dad was the bad guy, and the guy with all the power.

Eventually, my younger brother stole the Paddle, and buried it in the woods behind our house. I admired his boldness, and remain eternally grateful. My dad threatened to make a new one after the old one mysteriously disappeared, but I think he just used his open hand to spank us after that.

And gradually, in spite of my dad’s threat, we did become too old for spanking. We turned out fine, my dad likes to point out. My parents did the best they could. But I could have done without the Paddle.

Still not too big: Looks like Daddy’s made himself a new paddle

The best use of this threat in a movie is in the early 1970s British film called, appropriately enough for today, Father, Dear Father (1973).

This generation gap comedy has Patrick Cargill catching his teenage daughter, played by Ann Holloway (the one on the right), in the act of trying to deceive him. She is talking on the phone, and Cargill approaches behind her. As she realises that the game is up, she puts the phone down and says

“I know what you’re thinking, daddy,”

“Mmm?”

“I’m not too old to have my bottom smacked?”

Although we don’t get to see it, the implication seems to be that the threat is actually carried out.

Coming up to date, the comedy TV series Saxondale starring the brilliant Steve Coogan used this type of threat with a comic twist.

Barely five minutes in to the first episode of the first series, he is threatening his (fuller-figured) partner:

“You’re not too big to go across my knee you know”. He then looks her up and down and says: “Actually, I take that back!”

His partner is played by the gloriously plus-size Ruth Jones (above), now more famous for her role in Gavin and Stacey, and one of the most spankable actresses around in my book.

Happy Father’s Day!

So what do you think about tattoos? Love ‘em or hate ‘em, one thing’s for sure you can’t ignore them because they’re everywhere, including all over women’s bottoms.

In fact especially all over women’s bottoms. From the discreet little heart or lip shaped mark, to the serpent snaking right down the thigh, booties have never been so adorned with artwork.

The ubiquitous “tramp stamp” on the lower back, seems designed to draw attention to the bottom, providing a sort of frame for it.

Celebrity tramp stamps: Models Ana Beatriz Barros and Sophie Anderton

But it’s the process of actually getting a tattoo on the behind that’s the really interesting bit.

“Bend over the table”…”Take down your panties”…”This may sting a bit”. Now where have I have I heard phrases like those before?

This series of pics show a cute girl getting her butt tattooed, showing it off, and then sitting very uncomfortably on a bed afterwards (te he!)

All smiles

Bottom bared, face hidden

Finished tattoo + wedgie

Showing it off

Not smiling now: Lying on her side and gingerly touching her sore rump

The fashion certainly isn’t showing any sign of going away. But that’s the point about tattoos isn’t it? They can’t go away - not easily. And if the process of getting them done isn’t painful enough, having them removed must be even worse.

If you change your mind about that Tibetan symbol, or split up with a lover whose name you had etched into your buttocks, suddenly that tattoo will look rather ridiculous.

Jessica Callan is a journalist and author who was one of the original “3am girls” on British tabloid The Daily Mirror - a much copied all-female gossip column.

Jessica Callan: 11 Years of embarrassment and spanking

This funny story tells how she came to regret the tattoo she chose for her butt, which caused her to endure 11 years of people trying to spank her whenever she was in a bikini!

And when she tried to take remedial action to protect her constantly bruised posterior (and pride), things got even worse.

Thirteen years ago, when I was in my first year at university, I decided that I fancied a tattoo. But unlike my female friends who had more feminine tattoos such as flowers, a seahorse, rainbows and a Winnie the Pooh figure, I wanted to be different.

So I went for a spider!

To this day, I have no clue how I reached that decision, nor any understanding why it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t think about it for long.

A week later, I went to the tattoo store in the basement of the now-defunct Kensington Market, dropped my jeans, lay face down on the table and told the tattooist to do his best on my bottom.

I attempted to show the 3in black tattoo to my horrified mother, who refused to look at it. My father approved of it, but said: “You should have told me you were having it done - I would have lent you my signet ring so you could have had the family crest done instead.”

Jessica Callan’s griffin design on her much-swatted behind

Apart from this not being the reaction I had expected from my father, it struck me what a good idea that would have been.

Our family crest is a griffin: the half-lion, half-eagle mythological creature. Again, not exactly girlie, but it had more meaning than my spider.

And so started my feelings of regret. Why hadn’t I thought this through properly?

Luckily, as it was on my behind, I wasn’t reminded of my mistake on a daily basis. But I’d had it done low down on my right cheek, so when I wore a bikini it was visible.

I endured 11 years of jokes every time I was in a swimsuit from people trying to swat my spider!

I considered removal but felt that, as I had known full well that tattoos are permanent, it would be my punishment for being too impulsive.

Most of the time I forgot it was there. But in January 2006, while travelling in New Zealand, I decided to get my spider tattoo covered up with another one. This time I knew what I wanted.

I printed off a picture of a griffin from the net, found a tattoo shop and booked myself in for an £80 session the next day.

The tattooist showed me the transfer he had done of the picture. It was huge.

“To keep all this wonderful detail in the wings, it has be this size,” he said.

“But it’s as big as the palm of my hand! It’ll take up a fair chunk of my bottom!” I pointed out. He shrugged and told me to keep it big.

So I went for it. This time it was much more painful and took more than an hour. The outline felt as if the tattooist was using a razor blade on me. When he was finished, he took a photo for his book, then led me to a full-length mirror to show me his handiwork. I realised, with horror, that the griffin looked like something out of Harry Potter.

But by the time I returned to London, I had talked myself around and decided that I loved my new tattoo.

I duly showed it to my father, only to discover that it was the wrong sort of griffin! I believe his words were: “Oh dear. You’ve really ballsed it up, haven’t you?”

Tattoo regret is, sadly, very common. But I’m stuck with a tattoo that makes me look like a walking ad for the old Midland Bank.

I looked into laser removal, but because of the size of my tattoo, it would be expensive as I’d need up to ten sessions, and the effectiveness of the removal can’t be guaranteed, so I’d rather not take the risk. For the time being, I am left with an even bigger tattoo I don’t want.

My boyfriend delights in telling me how much I will embarrass future grandchildren with the grotesque tattoo on what will one day be my wrinkly backside.

Interesting that she regarded the embarrassment and swats to her behind as a deserved punishment for her impulsiveness.

Halle Berry is another celeb who has reportedly had to have a tattoo (of an ex’s name) on her bottom removed. But the only time I’ve ever seen a picture of a celeb actually getting a tattoo on the behind is this picture of erm…Tatu!

The final word on tattoos though has to go to the unknown owner of these cheeks, which don’t seem to be showing any tell-tale signs of redness or bruising.

But wait ’till Daddy gets home.